Bored...

I am just sitting in class...pretty bored with a major headache! Anyway, I was sitting at the park the other
day studying Nehemiah. His heart for the people and city amazes me and I want to be like him in that
way. So while I was sitting there God spoke to me in a crazy way...through a little girl about 3 years old.
I was sitting near a picnic table all by myself and this little girl ran out of the bathroom with no pants
on. Her Dad is quickly following her with another baby in a sling with her pants in his hand. He told her
to jump up onto the table so he could put her pants on. So...he got her pants on and she started crawling
down...her Dad quickly stopped her and said, "Why don't you try and jump down," and she said, "But
Daddy I might fall and get hurt..." He replied and encouraged her to try it and he would catch her if she
was falling down. So she got back on the table and took the big jump...LANDED and got up and ran away
laughing hysterically...the Dad looks at me and said, "How awesome is that!"

So I quickly became convicted and started thinking about my relationship with God. I feel like so
often I am asked/called to take that "jump" and I take the easy way out and just crawl down. The
funny thing to me is that, crawling isn't always the easier way out...I feel like I always ask God to
show me ways to obey Him and what he is calling me to do...so when this happens, I NEED TO
LISTEN! Gesh...

well class is getting busy and my teacher keeps looking at me...Ha

HUH...

So like I said in my last post...things have been a little intense/overwhelming/out-of-control/any other crazy word...but good at the same time. It just took a couple of days to realize that it was a good thing. So going home for the holidays was great, family time, quiet time, lay back and relax...but do you get too relaxed? Yep..I realized very clearly how relaxed I was, because it seemed like everything that was important to me, I in a way forgot about. I was to consumed in other "things". So I was glad to come back down to school to get back in the swing of things...HA! The first week was great...seeing friends again, being able to have alone time...and a lot of it. I thought is was kinda weird at first, didnt really understand what it was all about. During break a friend asked me to write down things I was believing God for in 2008...why was that so hard for me to think about? Becuase I wasn't thinking or anywhere focused on God...yes! So all in all...I was struggling!

The second week back I was talking with a friend just in casual conversation and something we started talking about really hit me hard. I didnt know how to take and it my first reaction was to be mad and upset, wanting to back away from everything and everyone. Funny part is that I was at Ignite (college ministry) where I couldn't leave becaues I didnt drive for the first night ever! ha...anyway, my friend had come to me to talk about, what I now realize as a huge failure on my part. It stinks to come to such realizations in life because in many cases, it means you now have to do work to fix it, and a lot of that work is not easy, for you and anyone else in it. YUP-overwhelming if you ask me. I didnt know how to respond when my friend was telling me that I wasnt really being a friend...I may be coming off as being really harsh right now, but she had to tell me, God laid it on her heart and she saw that it was happening in our friendship and knew it had happened in others, and no one else was saying anything. She cared enough about me to say something to me that she knew would hurt me. OUCH...but wonderful at the same time! No one really wants a friend to come to them about a failure of yours or in a way a judgement. She needed to..I know that and I am so glad that she did...So I am not going to go into great detail about what she had to say or my feelings...because that is not the point...

I came to a huge realization that night...partly because of what she said to me, but also knowing that with every friendship I brought on and every person I started pouring my life into, I was putting the Lord, God, Creator of the Universe, Maker of everything, Prince of Peace, behind them again and again. (nod head in shame)...but I got to thinking, how often I really do that. How often do we put God behind friendships, work, school, family, boyfriend/girlfriends, wife/husband, etc.? Are we really living out lives out for God...or for ourselves? How many times do you think about honoring God throughout the day...then what about your family and friends? Who is really more important? When I am spending time with God, is the intention just to get it out of the way for the day...or is it intended to make your relationship with the Maker-more intimate and transformed daily? (yep...Im saying ouch myself...)

So I asked God to search my heart with me and pick out stuff that was hurting my relationships, and to break me...yes, really crush me. And trust me...it happened! I can make excuse after excuse as to why I was treating people this way, acting this way, etc. but I didnt notice it at the time... at all, pretty much oblivious, that I was hurting people as much as I thought I was being hurt and sometimes even more. Yes, I was being hurt, but I was doing the hurting first...I figured out...it all comes down to SELFISHNESS and INSECURITY. I know that is the root to a lot of problems in everyones lives, and no one is perfect...I understand that, but for me to get there was huge.

We can end with that...I know God is putting me through this time of realizations and obstacles for a reason bigger and better than I can ever imagine. I am just working on seeking Him and pursuing Him to get out of this the way He wants me to in a willing and obeying sense. I started doing a new book the other day and the crazy part was it is a book/devotional that is intentional on making your Quiet Time more meaningful and healthier. Developing habits that will take you to a place of radical intimacy with your God! An intimacy with God that is: real, radical, revolutionary, and relational (Martin, Six Secrets to a Powerful Quiet Time). It is REAL because it's not theoretical but a true experience, REVOLUTIONARY because knowing Him intimately will transform your life, RADICAL because as it changes your life, your intimate relationship with God will have an impact on the world, and RELATIONAL because implying an exchange and interaction with the creator of the universe. (Martin) QUESTION (got me trust me...) What would you do if Jesus walked into the room where you are right now, looked into your eyes, and said, "Today I would like to spend quiet time with you"? Here's what Zaccheus did. He hurried down and received Him with great joy. Will you do the same?

God, you are my God! God I surrender my heart to you, and as much pain and suffering that can be-even the more love, mercy, and peace it brings. God change and transform me in your mighty ways. Make me the woman you want me to be, God and seach my heart and God break me. God my hearts desire is to know you! God I will set aside time for you, to be with you, talk with you, love you, need you, God and pay the price in time and energy to know you more. God make this a commitment for intentional devotion to you. God bring me deeper, to a more intimate place with you and let that love reflect in my everyday life. Be my #1! I want my heart to dance with you...

Overwhlemed...

So you know how it is in life when you think things are going well...then all of a
sudden BOOM!!!!! Yeah...I have been realizing a lot in the past 24 hours, not all
good which is the overwhelming part. I know things will work out and it may be
a long process and not a fun process, but things need to change...I dont have
much time right now to write out everything on my heart...but I will write soon...
just had to do a quick vent....

My heart...

Cry In My Heart- Starfield

There's a cry in my heart
For your glory to fall
For your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could you take me beyond?
Could you carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with you?
[For I've been there before]
[Yet I know there's still more]
[Oh Lord I need to know you more]

For what do I have
If I dont have you Jesus?
What in this life
could mean anymore?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
of my head

I surrender........

Thinking

Well I haven't posted in a while and a lot has happened...nothing big or surprising, but just a lot of thinking. The last time I posted it was about the Christmas pageant and how what we now take as something we hear all of the time, Jesus' birth and life on earth, and how it impacted my life when I saw it played out and put in front of me. I was changed by it....by something I took as just something you know and study as a Christian. I am learning now, that a lot of things that I may already know or know of, are being shown to me in bigger ways...more intense (my new favorite word!). Anyway...it is just amazing to me how through small things or realizations, God can be painting a huge picture!

1-So I finished my first semester as a Junior about a week ago...crazy! I can't believe I am almost done with college! INTENSE! I was thinking the other day about who and how I was when I first came to FGCU and my attitude towards...life. As I have been growing in my faith and relationship with the Lord, I believe I have become a better person and friend, but not so much a better student. I know in the Bible it says to do everything absolutely everything you do to glorify God...and im not. In one class imparticular, I did not have the best semester. I am taking mostly all online classes which lets me take a lot at my own pace...sometimes a good thing, other times not so good. It lets me slack....ugh! A lot of people know that I put a lot into friendships and loving people...why am I not like that with school? I have to come to the realization that if I do not excel in school, the classes I am taking now, I will not move on to an actual occupation..."what God is calling me to do." I know school is it right now, but so easily my focus is taken off of school and put directly towards OT and how I am going to work with children, doing something I am passionate about. But, I am not going to get to that place until I get through something I am not so passionate about..school. I just pray that God will change my heart and attitude school and lead me to a place of contentment to pull through...

2-I went to a Brazilian church service last night with one of my roommates and two other friends...interesting I have to say. One, I didn't understand anything. You might be thinking, "Why were you even there? " Good question..I think I was asking myself the same thing. They started with some worship music...old song that a lot of people know, then on to the message. I did not even know what it was about, but to see how this individual/guy/pastor was led by God to teach and proclaim his word was amazing. The thing that caught my attention was the passion he was portraying through the whole message. The way he would put emphasis on words and his facial expressions caught my attention. It was ming boggling to me to see God through this man who loves to share the good news about Jesus! I go into so many situations being so skeptical about the outcome...but its really so silly.

3-Conclusion. I have been praying for a while now, really since the fall retreat, that through everything I do, hear, conversations I have, etc. I would be changed in some way. There is no reason why we should want to stay the same person...change is good! I have really been noticing that through the "small" stuff, or things I take as general information, "coimmon sense" I have been challenged to change...I pray that this will continue and that through the things I am reading and message spoken I will be changed by something through them. I know this is a lot of randomness...but it is kind of my thought process right now...ha!

Christmas Pageant

...so last night I went to my first Christmas Pageant...I didn't really know what to think about it, but I loved it! There were definitely some interesting parts, but overall, I thought it was a great performance and really showed the love and life of Jesus. I have heard over and over again and again the story of Jesus with the disciples at the Last Supper, before he was betrayed and hung on the cross. Seeing the picture actually played out, opened my eyes. I know it was a show and it may not have been more extreme, but the fact is that Jesus died for my/our sins and through that we can have the most amazing love relationship ever! I dont know why it hit me so hard at that time, I mean its not like I never knew that before or even believed it in my heart, soul, and mind...it was just the overall picture of it happening in front of me. Kind of overwhelming in some sense and heartbreaking in another. I have also always heard, "Die to yourself and live in Christ daily." But, do you really understand that picture either? So anyway...last night was big for me. Going to my first pageant and taking in the fullness of the cross. WOW! It is so important to surrender everything to Him...I know its hard, and I honestly can't say that I have truly surrendered everything in my life, that is a part of my life to him. Sad to say...that I can't trust the maker of the entire universe with my worries, struggles, temptations, thougths, hopes, etc.

This now takes me back to knowing his will for my life. I want to be living out every moment of my life for Him...He deserves it and should have our whole heart. The cool thing....He wants us to know the will for your life, even more than you want to know it yourself! I find that a lot of times I struggle with not going to the Lord about a situation or circumstance before talking to someone else about it first and getting their opinion. I realized...thats not always bad! We were reading through 1 Kings 12:1-15. "God has given us one another and the body of Christ to help facilitate the decision making process. So after this I mean, I felt better about decisions I have made, but it doesn't mean I can just ask the advice of others, it is not just as important but more important to go to the Lord with everything. I think thats it for now...I dont know how much of this makes much sense..a little exhausted!

3:45am...really????

So I have been trying to be obedient in waking up in the middle of the night when God is trying to tell me something. I'm not one to really wake up from a deep sleep so when I do I know something is up. So the other night I had been absoutely exhausted...God decides to wake me-not just awake enough to realize that I am awake...no, WIDE AWAKE! I thought I could play it off and just pray. Lift up friends,family, people on my heart...NOPE.

I knew that if I opened my Bible I would be up for probably over an hour, but I did it. I had no clue where to read or what to study, so I was thinking about all of the books and opened to Job. I was reading the forward/overview of the book and it was totally what I needed to hear. I had been talking to a friend earlier that day and was thinking about that a lot...realizing I also needed to tell her to read it. This is the part that caught me...Job was a prosperous farmer living in the land of Uz. He had thousands of sheep, camels, and other livestock, a large family, and many servants. Suddenly, Satan the Accuser came before God claiming that Job was trusting God only because he was wealthy and everything was going well for him. And thus the testing of Job's faith began. Satan was allowed to destroy Job's children, servants, livestock, herdsman, and home: but Job continued to trust in God. Next Satan attacked Job physically, covering him with painful sores. Job's wife told him to curse God and die (2:9) but Job
suffered in silence.

So everything was taken away from Job. Im thinking...INSANE! Yeah right...so coming off of my last post with being out of my comfort zone...funny! Anyway, there was a guy from last thurs when I went to feed the homeless who said he wasn't homeless because he "had" everything he needed..which included a sweatshirt, shirt, pants, and a pair of boots. CRAZY! So the book goes on to talk about Job's life while he had everything going for him-to now having nothing and still trusting the Lord with everything.

This past tuesday I was meeting with a couple of friends and we were talking about Proverbs 3:5-6. A lot of people know it and it was probably one of the first verses you memorized, but have you really thought of all the truth behind it? I have been
studying the Will of God. There are three types...Providential, Moral, and Personal. Providential is what is going to happen either way, Moral is what we know will happen anyway, through commandments, etc. Personal is found but being more
aware and familiar with the other two will's. So through Proverbs 3:5-6, leads you to the personal will...Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, Lean not on your OWN understanding...then all of your paths will be made straight. That's a lot right???

So bringing this back to Job...He put ALL of his trust in God! Even when he had everything he could imagine to quickly having nothing. So I am in that trusting God stage. Learning how to be obedient and rely more on God than people and the things I am familiar with. Getting out of my comfort zone....exactly my point!
HUH?!?!