HUH...

So like I said in my last post...things have been a little intense/overwhelming/out-of-control/any other crazy word...but good at the same time. It just took a couple of days to realize that it was a good thing. So going home for the holidays was great, family time, quiet time, lay back and relax...but do you get too relaxed? Yep..I realized very clearly how relaxed I was, because it seemed like everything that was important to me, I in a way forgot about. I was to consumed in other "things". So I was glad to come back down to school to get back in the swing of things...HA! The first week was great...seeing friends again, being able to have alone time...and a lot of it. I thought is was kinda weird at first, didnt really understand what it was all about. During break a friend asked me to write down things I was believing God for in 2008...why was that so hard for me to think about? Becuase I wasn't thinking or anywhere focused on God...yes! So all in all...I was struggling!

The second week back I was talking with a friend just in casual conversation and something we started talking about really hit me hard. I didnt know how to take and it my first reaction was to be mad and upset, wanting to back away from everything and everyone. Funny part is that I was at Ignite (college ministry) where I couldn't leave becaues I didnt drive for the first night ever! ha...anyway, my friend had come to me to talk about, what I now realize as a huge failure on my part. It stinks to come to such realizations in life because in many cases, it means you now have to do work to fix it, and a lot of that work is not easy, for you and anyone else in it. YUP-overwhelming if you ask me. I didnt know how to respond when my friend was telling me that I wasnt really being a friend...I may be coming off as being really harsh right now, but she had to tell me, God laid it on her heart and she saw that it was happening in our friendship and knew it had happened in others, and no one else was saying anything. She cared enough about me to say something to me that she knew would hurt me. OUCH...but wonderful at the same time! No one really wants a friend to come to them about a failure of yours or in a way a judgement. She needed to..I know that and I am so glad that she did...So I am not going to go into great detail about what she had to say or my feelings...because that is not the point...

I came to a huge realization that night...partly because of what she said to me, but also knowing that with every friendship I brought on and every person I started pouring my life into, I was putting the Lord, God, Creator of the Universe, Maker of everything, Prince of Peace, behind them again and again. (nod head in shame)...but I got to thinking, how often I really do that. How often do we put God behind friendships, work, school, family, boyfriend/girlfriends, wife/husband, etc.? Are we really living out lives out for God...or for ourselves? How many times do you think about honoring God throughout the day...then what about your family and friends? Who is really more important? When I am spending time with God, is the intention just to get it out of the way for the day...or is it intended to make your relationship with the Maker-more intimate and transformed daily? (yep...Im saying ouch myself...)

So I asked God to search my heart with me and pick out stuff that was hurting my relationships, and to break me...yes, really crush me. And trust me...it happened! I can make excuse after excuse as to why I was treating people this way, acting this way, etc. but I didnt notice it at the time... at all, pretty much oblivious, that I was hurting people as much as I thought I was being hurt and sometimes even more. Yes, I was being hurt, but I was doing the hurting first...I figured out...it all comes down to SELFISHNESS and INSECURITY. I know that is the root to a lot of problems in everyones lives, and no one is perfect...I understand that, but for me to get there was huge.

We can end with that...I know God is putting me through this time of realizations and obstacles for a reason bigger and better than I can ever imagine. I am just working on seeking Him and pursuing Him to get out of this the way He wants me to in a willing and obeying sense. I started doing a new book the other day and the crazy part was it is a book/devotional that is intentional on making your Quiet Time more meaningful and healthier. Developing habits that will take you to a place of radical intimacy with your God! An intimacy with God that is: real, radical, revolutionary, and relational (Martin, Six Secrets to a Powerful Quiet Time). It is REAL because it's not theoretical but a true experience, REVOLUTIONARY because knowing Him intimately will transform your life, RADICAL because as it changes your life, your intimate relationship with God will have an impact on the world, and RELATIONAL because implying an exchange and interaction with the creator of the universe. (Martin) QUESTION (got me trust me...) What would you do if Jesus walked into the room where you are right now, looked into your eyes, and said, "Today I would like to spend quiet time with you"? Here's what Zaccheus did. He hurried down and received Him with great joy. Will you do the same?

God, you are my God! God I surrender my heart to you, and as much pain and suffering that can be-even the more love, mercy, and peace it brings. God change and transform me in your mighty ways. Make me the woman you want me to be, God and seach my heart and God break me. God my hearts desire is to know you! God I will set aside time for you, to be with you, talk with you, love you, need you, God and pay the price in time and energy to know you more. God make this a commitment for intentional devotion to you. God bring me deeper, to a more intimate place with you and let that love reflect in my everyday life. Be my #1! I want my heart to dance with you...