My heart...

Cry In My Heart- Starfield

There's a cry in my heart
For your glory to fall
For your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could you take me beyond?
Could you carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with you?
[For I've been there before]
[Yet I know there's still more]
[Oh Lord I need to know you more]

For what do I have
If I dont have you Jesus?
What in this life
could mean anymore?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
of my head

I surrender........

Thinking

Well I haven't posted in a while and a lot has happened...nothing big or surprising, but just a lot of thinking. The last time I posted it was about the Christmas pageant and how what we now take as something we hear all of the time, Jesus' birth and life on earth, and how it impacted my life when I saw it played out and put in front of me. I was changed by it....by something I took as just something you know and study as a Christian. I am learning now, that a lot of things that I may already know or know of, are being shown to me in bigger ways...more intense (my new favorite word!). Anyway...it is just amazing to me how through small things or realizations, God can be painting a huge picture!

1-So I finished my first semester as a Junior about a week ago...crazy! I can't believe I am almost done with college! INTENSE! I was thinking the other day about who and how I was when I first came to FGCU and my attitude towards...life. As I have been growing in my faith and relationship with the Lord, I believe I have become a better person and friend, but not so much a better student. I know in the Bible it says to do everything absolutely everything you do to glorify God...and im not. In one class imparticular, I did not have the best semester. I am taking mostly all online classes which lets me take a lot at my own pace...sometimes a good thing, other times not so good. It lets me slack....ugh! A lot of people know that I put a lot into friendships and loving people...why am I not like that with school? I have to come to the realization that if I do not excel in school, the classes I am taking now, I will not move on to an actual occupation..."what God is calling me to do." I know school is it right now, but so easily my focus is taken off of school and put directly towards OT and how I am going to work with children, doing something I am passionate about. But, I am not going to get to that place until I get through something I am not so passionate about..school. I just pray that God will change my heart and attitude school and lead me to a place of contentment to pull through...

2-I went to a Brazilian church service last night with one of my roommates and two other friends...interesting I have to say. One, I didn't understand anything. You might be thinking, "Why were you even there? " Good question..I think I was asking myself the same thing. They started with some worship music...old song that a lot of people know, then on to the message. I did not even know what it was about, but to see how this individual/guy/pastor was led by God to teach and proclaim his word was amazing. The thing that caught my attention was the passion he was portraying through the whole message. The way he would put emphasis on words and his facial expressions caught my attention. It was ming boggling to me to see God through this man who loves to share the good news about Jesus! I go into so many situations being so skeptical about the outcome...but its really so silly.

3-Conclusion. I have been praying for a while now, really since the fall retreat, that through everything I do, hear, conversations I have, etc. I would be changed in some way. There is no reason why we should want to stay the same person...change is good! I have really been noticing that through the "small" stuff, or things I take as general information, "coimmon sense" I have been challenged to change...I pray that this will continue and that through the things I am reading and message spoken I will be changed by something through them. I know this is a lot of randomness...but it is kind of my thought process right now...ha!

Christmas Pageant

...so last night I went to my first Christmas Pageant...I didn't really know what to think about it, but I loved it! There were definitely some interesting parts, but overall, I thought it was a great performance and really showed the love and life of Jesus. I have heard over and over again and again the story of Jesus with the disciples at the Last Supper, before he was betrayed and hung on the cross. Seeing the picture actually played out, opened my eyes. I know it was a show and it may not have been more extreme, but the fact is that Jesus died for my/our sins and through that we can have the most amazing love relationship ever! I dont know why it hit me so hard at that time, I mean its not like I never knew that before or even believed it in my heart, soul, and mind...it was just the overall picture of it happening in front of me. Kind of overwhelming in some sense and heartbreaking in another. I have also always heard, "Die to yourself and live in Christ daily." But, do you really understand that picture either? So anyway...last night was big for me. Going to my first pageant and taking in the fullness of the cross. WOW! It is so important to surrender everything to Him...I know its hard, and I honestly can't say that I have truly surrendered everything in my life, that is a part of my life to him. Sad to say...that I can't trust the maker of the entire universe with my worries, struggles, temptations, thougths, hopes, etc.

This now takes me back to knowing his will for my life. I want to be living out every moment of my life for Him...He deserves it and should have our whole heart. The cool thing....He wants us to know the will for your life, even more than you want to know it yourself! I find that a lot of times I struggle with not going to the Lord about a situation or circumstance before talking to someone else about it first and getting their opinion. I realized...thats not always bad! We were reading through 1 Kings 12:1-15. "God has given us one another and the body of Christ to help facilitate the decision making process. So after this I mean, I felt better about decisions I have made, but it doesn't mean I can just ask the advice of others, it is not just as important but more important to go to the Lord with everything. I think thats it for now...I dont know how much of this makes much sense..a little exhausted!

3:45am...really????

So I have been trying to be obedient in waking up in the middle of the night when God is trying to tell me something. I'm not one to really wake up from a deep sleep so when I do I know something is up. So the other night I had been absoutely exhausted...God decides to wake me-not just awake enough to realize that I am awake...no, WIDE AWAKE! I thought I could play it off and just pray. Lift up friends,family, people on my heart...NOPE.

I knew that if I opened my Bible I would be up for probably over an hour, but I did it. I had no clue where to read or what to study, so I was thinking about all of the books and opened to Job. I was reading the forward/overview of the book and it was totally what I needed to hear. I had been talking to a friend earlier that day and was thinking about that a lot...realizing I also needed to tell her to read it. This is the part that caught me...Job was a prosperous farmer living in the land of Uz. He had thousands of sheep, camels, and other livestock, a large family, and many servants. Suddenly, Satan the Accuser came before God claiming that Job was trusting God only because he was wealthy and everything was going well for him. And thus the testing of Job's faith began. Satan was allowed to destroy Job's children, servants, livestock, herdsman, and home: but Job continued to trust in God. Next Satan attacked Job physically, covering him with painful sores. Job's wife told him to curse God and die (2:9) but Job
suffered in silence.

So everything was taken away from Job. Im thinking...INSANE! Yeah right...so coming off of my last post with being out of my comfort zone...funny! Anyway, there was a guy from last thurs when I went to feed the homeless who said he wasn't homeless because he "had" everything he needed..which included a sweatshirt, shirt, pants, and a pair of boots. CRAZY! So the book goes on to talk about Job's life while he had everything going for him-to now having nothing and still trusting the Lord with everything.

This past tuesday I was meeting with a couple of friends and we were talking about Proverbs 3:5-6. A lot of people know it and it was probably one of the first verses you memorized, but have you really thought of all the truth behind it? I have been
studying the Will of God. There are three types...Providential, Moral, and Personal. Providential is what is going to happen either way, Moral is what we know will happen anyway, through commandments, etc. Personal is found but being more
aware and familiar with the other two will's. So through Proverbs 3:5-6, leads you to the personal will...Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, Lean not on your OWN understanding...then all of your paths will be made straight. That's a lot right???

So bringing this back to Job...He put ALL of his trust in God! Even when he had everything he could imagine to quickly having nothing. So I am in that trusting God stage. Learning how to be obedient and rely more on God than people and the things I am familiar with. Getting out of my comfort zone....exactly my point!
HUH?!?!

Comfort zone...not so much!

So yesterday (thurs) I went down into the city of Ft. Myers. I had never really been that far north on 41 before but I was ok with that...I think. A group of people from the church I attend go down and feed the homeless every thurs. afternoon and have a message and get to fellowship with the people. Let's just say...I was overwhelmed! This is kind of sad to admit, but I have never physically been that close to a homeless person before. I had some friends there, but I knew God wanted me to come out of my "shell." God has been teaching me lately that I need to stop relying on other people and my "comfort zone" all the time. At home my comfort zone was obviously my house and some of our close friends house, and now being at school it has moved on to be with friends from Ignite or families that have taken me in like another child...it amazes me how couples/people down here bring you into their family, pretty much. Anyway, this comfort zone thing...I was tested about a month ago when I was asked to go to Africa with a friend of mine. I got so nervous when she asked because I had never been over-seas before, I didn't even want to ask my parents what they thought and honestly I didn't even want to pray about it. SAD! But, I started to anyway...and my heart definitely broke for the people there and the situation they are in. So God really laid it on my heart to get a passport 1 and 2 start doing something about it. I know this summer I am suppose to go somewhere, out of the country or not, to honestly share his love with others and "walk in love." This experience yesterday was just a quick glimpse of what I am going to see in Africa, Mexico, and whereever I end up this summer...Interesting to see how quicky God can change your heart...

I was talking to one of the guys that attended the lunch for the people on the street. His name is Gary, and he caught my attention by just sitting on a bench watching everyone else interact and run up for more food, etc. There was something about him that I knew I had to see. THIS is where I come out of my "shell." I walk towards him already intimidated because he was a man. I started talking to him about random things, where he grew up and his family...and I began to see this love and peace that I had never seen before. After sharing story after story with him, all I could say was..."wow, how encouraging." I was abosolutely in awe of God for his amazing work in this mans life and seeing Gary really live his life sold out to Christ. Understanding what Jesus did for him and his life, and the situation he had to go through with a love of his life, putting her 1st before God, knowing he became homeless because that was the only way (in his life) for God to get his attention...and then PRAISING HIM FOR DOING THAT IN HIS LIFE! Amazing to me....

Thats all