He's the Remedy-

Today was an interesting day- but let me start with yesterday. I was at the office because Monday is my "work" day, and the leadership team challenged a couple of us to get together and "wordsmith" the core values of Summit Church. Now, I have to be honest and say- one I was like, HA yeah um...I hope I don't have to talk at this meeting, and the other part of me was so excited to be able to sit in and either voice an opinion/belief or not, but I was still taking in the information and developing an understanding of GOD,Truth, Love, and Mission. I am not saying in anyway that we know the answer to these values, but I would say we dug deep. I was challenged to think about why I value God, and why I value Truth....this can really go on and on, but was I owning the ideas we were bringing up? Did I understand why these specific words-ideas-pictures-feelings are valuable to me? I no for a fact God is showing me something big right now-I am not really sure what it is yet, but I really desire to fall into Him. So with that on my mind all day, I brought it home and was trying to get some homework done, and I asked my roommate about the questions I was thinking about. We got into a pretty deep discussion and ended up talking about Hope. Which is where the picture of the sunrise comes in....
She (my roomie) uses the word Hope a lot, like a significant amount...when I don't know of a present to buy her, I end up with something saying Hope on it...anyway- she has been struggling with the definition of hope and what not (I am not going to tell her story here) but, she gave me this clear clear picture of what she sees as hope. "It is like when you get up REALLY early in the morning and you go to watch the sunrise. For a while you are sitting in the dark, it becomes kind of "musty", and you anticipate this beautiful site. This magnificant picture that God himself paints every morning. Then it finally comes...you see the sun start peeking up from the horizon...there is your HOPE!" I started picturing this "painting" and thought, man I want to see this...so I set my alarm-woke up and tried to play it off that it was already light outside-ha...so I got up, (ends up she wanted to do the same thing so we kind of scared each other in the am) and went to the parking garage on campus.
Being on top of this garage and looking into the distance (not so much of a distance because it was so extremely foggy) I began to think-man is this what my life looks like? I could literally not even see a football field distance in front of me. God began to convict me and point out situations, relationships, desires, on and on, but most of all, my relationship with Him. GOD- the one who I had been dwelling on the day before, picking out words, descriptions, etc. about valuing God. I was kind of upset I have to admit, because I was "hoping" for this beautiful painting- but really, the picture painted for me this morning was more magnificant than I have ever seen before. I was looking out into this field of trees, all pretty much the same kind of tree, but some stood out more than others. Todd, our College Pastor always talks about those outside the faith and how our heart should break for the campus. I think I got that picture from the sunrise- I saw this picture, some of the trees like I said, really stand out, they are dark, some have leaves, branches, etc., others were shady. You could see maybe the outline of the tree and even some branches, but not in detail, and then there were these blank spots. I knew there were trees there, but I could not see them. So I related it to this- there are about 10,000 students that are enrolled at FGCU. I know there are Christians, ones that have a relationship with Christ, and ones that don't understand what that means, others who think Christians are hypocrites, some who participate in other religions or spiritual activities, and some who just don't get it-they dont care. Now you can probably match the groups of people with the description of the trees- but my heart began breaking for all of the empty spots...the ones no one have even tried to reach, but then again the ones God himself calls us to. I began to pray and read the Word-as I did, I noticed it was getting brighter, slowly but surley. After a couple of minutes- I looked up, away from my Bible with my eyes wide open to finally see then Sun (or SON in this case?). WOW- I just smiled and could no longer be upset that the sunrise was not this bright and jaw-dropping experience....because it was more than that, it was a picture of God's heart-HOPE....

One of those AH-HA moments...

I started thinking the other day...and I asked myself this question- What does love look like in my life? What are the things I love?What are the things I don't necessary love? Its a strong word, and Im not sure I understand the meaning of it yet. I love my parents, family, and friends...and I love God, but is that love different? His love for me is unconditional, wholehearted, unquestionable, unlimited, unreserved, AMAZING! So after thinking about this for so long and pondering on the fact that God's love for me is more love than I could ever give anyone or anything- I began to fall in love...

Really-I know it sounds kind of silly...but it is true. I was talking to a friend and I just started explaining this "new-found" love. I mean I have been a believer for a couple years, but I have never really allowed myself to fall in love. I wanted to, but I wouldn't let myself come to a place of full trust, faith, love, and most of all know that there is not one person in this world that can love me, like me, or even know me like my Maker. AH-HA!

Ever since then I have been drawn to the word. Consumed by it--and the amazing thing, I had been praying for that for a long time-that I would be consumed by the word and want to spend all day there reading and learning if I could. It happened, and I cannot explain to you how excited I am-I dont even know if excited is the word...engulfed maybe.

So if it is not too much to ask-please pray for me and that as I begin to dance with my Maker I will keep learning new steps, and become faster at the dance, more immune to the steps, but give up on them. That I will keep pursuing this never-ending "dance party" if you will, that will lead me to greater depths and more understanding of this amazing love.

"Your love Oh LORD, reaches to the Heavens,
Your faithfulness, stretches to the skies,
your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
and your justice flows like the oceans tides...

I will lift my voice
To worship You, my King
I will find my strength
In the shadow of your wings"

Whoa..

This week has been pretty crazy...great, but crazy! I feel like I am learning so much right now, not only from the Word and being consumed in the Truth, but in school and at work (Summit). I am going through Nehemiah and absolutely awestruck by his love for Jerusalem. The commitment he had to rebuilding the wall and not letting down...but the thing that really grasped my heart was the ownership that took place in Chapters 1 and 2. This is the first book of the Bible that I have really taken the time to really sit down and be intentional about studying, so it may be from excitement, but I really think God is going to do something big in my heart, making me a Nehemiah. Taking ownership of not only my relationship with God himself, but ministry in general. I dont know if He is calling me to full-time vocational ministry or living out my life in full potential for Him, but Nehemiah sure had a dedication to his country. When Nehemiah feels this call from God to rebuild the wall, there was a lot of controversy from the officials and guards and this is how Nehemiah responded, "The God of heaven will help us succeed. We, his servants, will start rebuilding this wall. But you have no share, legal right, or historic claim in Jerusalem" (Neh. 2:20) He knows it is not the safest thing to do, but knows that God called him to it and he leads in obedience.

God story: So this week was very encouraging. Tonight one of the girls in my community group came up to me after Ignite and shared with me her encounter with the Lord! She is one who has been hard to reach because she is quiet and in a way insecure. I have seen her upset before but the difference between being upset about something and being broken about something was made so clear to me. She was dealing with a specific issue and last week, was just confused about it and not knowing where to go. So as a group we encouraged her to dive into the Word and let her heart be captivated by him...We prayed for her that night and left it at that. When she approached me tonight she had this light to her...a peace about the situation and estatic about what God was teaching her through the book of Proverbs. She couldn't stop smiling and just kept telling me how the Word was speaking to her and how she felt she could really have a conversation with God...how amazing! God is Good!

The more I seek you,
The more I find you,
The more I find you,
The more I love you! Lord, let me be captivated by your word and live to glorify you...

Bored...

I am just sitting in class...pretty bored with a major headache! Anyway, I was sitting at the park the other
day studying Nehemiah. His heart for the people and city amazes me and I want to be like him in that
way. So while I was sitting there God spoke to me in a crazy way...through a little girl about 3 years old.
I was sitting near a picnic table all by myself and this little girl ran out of the bathroom with no pants
on. Her Dad is quickly following her with another baby in a sling with her pants in his hand. He told her
to jump up onto the table so he could put her pants on. So...he got her pants on and she started crawling
down...her Dad quickly stopped her and said, "Why don't you try and jump down," and she said, "But
Daddy I might fall and get hurt..." He replied and encouraged her to try it and he would catch her if she
was falling down. So she got back on the table and took the big jump...LANDED and got up and ran away
laughing hysterically...the Dad looks at me and said, "How awesome is that!"

So I quickly became convicted and started thinking about my relationship with God. I feel like so
often I am asked/called to take that "jump" and I take the easy way out and just crawl down. The
funny thing to me is that, crawling isn't always the easier way out...I feel like I always ask God to
show me ways to obey Him and what he is calling me to do...so when this happens, I NEED TO
LISTEN! Gesh...

well class is getting busy and my teacher keeps looking at me...Ha

HUH...

So like I said in my last post...things have been a little intense/overwhelming/out-of-control/any other crazy word...but good at the same time. It just took a couple of days to realize that it was a good thing. So going home for the holidays was great, family time, quiet time, lay back and relax...but do you get too relaxed? Yep..I realized very clearly how relaxed I was, because it seemed like everything that was important to me, I in a way forgot about. I was to consumed in other "things". So I was glad to come back down to school to get back in the swing of things...HA! The first week was great...seeing friends again, being able to have alone time...and a lot of it. I thought is was kinda weird at first, didnt really understand what it was all about. During break a friend asked me to write down things I was believing God for in 2008...why was that so hard for me to think about? Becuase I wasn't thinking or anywhere focused on God...yes! So all in all...I was struggling!

The second week back I was talking with a friend just in casual conversation and something we started talking about really hit me hard. I didnt know how to take and it my first reaction was to be mad and upset, wanting to back away from everything and everyone. Funny part is that I was at Ignite (college ministry) where I couldn't leave becaues I didnt drive for the first night ever! ha...anyway, my friend had come to me to talk about, what I now realize as a huge failure on my part. It stinks to come to such realizations in life because in many cases, it means you now have to do work to fix it, and a lot of that work is not easy, for you and anyone else in it. YUP-overwhelming if you ask me. I didnt know how to respond when my friend was telling me that I wasnt really being a friend...I may be coming off as being really harsh right now, but she had to tell me, God laid it on her heart and she saw that it was happening in our friendship and knew it had happened in others, and no one else was saying anything. She cared enough about me to say something to me that she knew would hurt me. OUCH...but wonderful at the same time! No one really wants a friend to come to them about a failure of yours or in a way a judgement. She needed to..I know that and I am so glad that she did...So I am not going to go into great detail about what she had to say or my feelings...because that is not the point...

I came to a huge realization that night...partly because of what she said to me, but also knowing that with every friendship I brought on and every person I started pouring my life into, I was putting the Lord, God, Creator of the Universe, Maker of everything, Prince of Peace, behind them again and again. (nod head in shame)...but I got to thinking, how often I really do that. How often do we put God behind friendships, work, school, family, boyfriend/girlfriends, wife/husband, etc.? Are we really living out lives out for God...or for ourselves? How many times do you think about honoring God throughout the day...then what about your family and friends? Who is really more important? When I am spending time with God, is the intention just to get it out of the way for the day...or is it intended to make your relationship with the Maker-more intimate and transformed daily? (yep...Im saying ouch myself...)

So I asked God to search my heart with me and pick out stuff that was hurting my relationships, and to break me...yes, really crush me. And trust me...it happened! I can make excuse after excuse as to why I was treating people this way, acting this way, etc. but I didnt notice it at the time... at all, pretty much oblivious, that I was hurting people as much as I thought I was being hurt and sometimes even more. Yes, I was being hurt, but I was doing the hurting first...I figured out...it all comes down to SELFISHNESS and INSECURITY. I know that is the root to a lot of problems in everyones lives, and no one is perfect...I understand that, but for me to get there was huge.

We can end with that...I know God is putting me through this time of realizations and obstacles for a reason bigger and better than I can ever imagine. I am just working on seeking Him and pursuing Him to get out of this the way He wants me to in a willing and obeying sense. I started doing a new book the other day and the crazy part was it is a book/devotional that is intentional on making your Quiet Time more meaningful and healthier. Developing habits that will take you to a place of radical intimacy with your God! An intimacy with God that is: real, radical, revolutionary, and relational (Martin, Six Secrets to a Powerful Quiet Time). It is REAL because it's not theoretical but a true experience, REVOLUTIONARY because knowing Him intimately will transform your life, RADICAL because as it changes your life, your intimate relationship with God will have an impact on the world, and RELATIONAL because implying an exchange and interaction with the creator of the universe. (Martin) QUESTION (got me trust me...) What would you do if Jesus walked into the room where you are right now, looked into your eyes, and said, "Today I would like to spend quiet time with you"? Here's what Zaccheus did. He hurried down and received Him with great joy. Will you do the same?

God, you are my God! God I surrender my heart to you, and as much pain and suffering that can be-even the more love, mercy, and peace it brings. God change and transform me in your mighty ways. Make me the woman you want me to be, God and seach my heart and God break me. God my hearts desire is to know you! God I will set aside time for you, to be with you, talk with you, love you, need you, God and pay the price in time and energy to know you more. God make this a commitment for intentional devotion to you. God bring me deeper, to a more intimate place with you and let that love reflect in my everyday life. Be my #1! I want my heart to dance with you...

Overwhlemed...

So you know how it is in life when you think things are going well...then all of a
sudden BOOM!!!!! Yeah...I have been realizing a lot in the past 24 hours, not all
good which is the overwhelming part. I know things will work out and it may be
a long process and not a fun process, but things need to change...I dont have
much time right now to write out everything on my heart...but I will write soon...
just had to do a quick vent....

My heart...

Cry In My Heart- Starfield

There's a cry in my heart
For your glory to fall
For your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could you take me beyond?
Could you carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with you?
[For I've been there before]
[Yet I know there's still more]
[Oh Lord I need to know you more]

For what do I have
If I dont have you Jesus?
What in this life
could mean anymore?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
of my head

I surrender........